You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
