If that was your dad, he is hot
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
