ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
