My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
