sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
50% drunk capacity currently
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
