Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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