i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
