I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
