I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
