I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
