My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
