why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
