My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
