My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
