Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
