I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
