this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize