Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
