I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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