a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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