Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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