dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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