I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
