checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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