I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize