walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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