I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Let's get the cat blown out
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
