I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
