i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
