You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
