My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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