when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
