becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I have post one night stand depression
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize