My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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