Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
