I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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