i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
