Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
