I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
