The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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