did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
