im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
