Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
