I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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