I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
