I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
