I accidentally had phone sex last night
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
