I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
