So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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