His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
