she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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