I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
