if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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