They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I touched a dick in church today
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i believe in u and ur pee
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
