sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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