I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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