i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
